i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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