Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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