69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
