just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
