I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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