I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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