I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
