My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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