When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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