When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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