dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
