I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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