Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
