So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
