Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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