I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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