I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
