Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
