You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
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i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
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We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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