maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
