Christians are straight up FREAKS
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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