Old men and throwing up are my life now.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I know her cup size but not her name....
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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