It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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