So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
