Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
