Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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