So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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