I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
