that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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