You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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