I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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