At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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