My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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