They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
