i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
