hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
