this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
