: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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