The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Who died my cat blue again?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said âEat Freshâ while his GF was with him. FML
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