He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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