It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
