So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
