my phone needs a breathalizer
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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