the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
