i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
