i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
