I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
