hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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