I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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