The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
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