i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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