I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
