Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.