I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
