So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
