I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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