forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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