Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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