Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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